I sat down, curling my legs and resting my head on my knees. I could feel my stomach turning, like someone was twisting my bowels. It hurt so bad, I felt light headed at the same time. Things were getting real, my mind was running a million meter race as I sat there, groaning in pain. I was asking myself if I really wanted to die. I was asking myself if I really wanted my children to grow up without me. I had images of their happy faces in my head, giggling and making baby sounds. Uyinkwenkwezi and Uyingelosi were born in a shameful situation, their parents are blood relatives. That’s one issue they have to deal with, for the rest of their lives. Me committing suicide would add more to the issues they would have to face. Having to learn that their mother committed suicide when they were babies, for an unknown reason, would kill them. I was being selfish in thinking of my way out, and not considering the lives I was destroying in the process.
I could not sit up straight anymore, the pain was excruciating. With the little energy that I had left, I softly moaned, tightly holding my stomach. I was losing my breath, like I was suffocated or something, and my vision was getting blurry. I needed help. I was dying. I kept zoning in and out of consciousness, every breath I took was a step away from life. I didn’t mean it. Yes, I was hurt and I was struggling to deal with everything that was going on in my life, but I didn’t mean it when I convinced myself that death was the only option. I wanted to live, so I could give my kids the best life they could ever ask for. I didn’t want to die. My tears were no longer that of pleasure, but rather tears of sorrow and misery. What have I done? What was I thinking? I was sorry to the universe for being self centered.
“God please don’t let me die”
I whispered under my breath, with my eyes refusing to keep open. I would be lying if I attempt to paint a clear mental picture of what happened next, but I remember the bathroom door opening. I remember hearing a very sharp loud scream of a woman I assumed was Mommy. I remember being carried, I remember being prayed for. I remember being rushed in a very fast car. My head was spinning, and what was keeping my soul intact in my body was the prayers that were said around me. People were praying around me. I completely zoned out of consciousness as I heard loud hooters and a loud “slow down, or you will get us killed” that came from a place of fear.
Next thing I knew, I was on a hospital bed, and Mommy was sitting next to my bed, reading her bible. I softly moaned, trying to sit up. She looked at me and her face lit up.
“Honey, you’re awake”
She warmly whispered, getting up and helping me sit up straight. She then sat down. I looked at her, trying to read the situation from her eyes.
“How are you?”
She asked, holding both my hands.
“I’m fine, and you?”
I briefly replied.
“I am fine. I am so glad you are awake”
I knew exactly why I was on that bed, but I wanted Mommy to bring that one up, herself. I continued looking at her.
“Let me go and inform the nurses that you are awake and also call home”
She walked away. My whole body was numb, like it was previously swollen. I quickly tried collecting my mind and remembering what exactly happened. Shortly, Mommy brought a nurse along. The nurse asked me all sorts of questions, first about how I was feeling physically, to general question. She wrote everything down and then walked away. Mommy pulled a chair and sat down too.
“Wouldn’t you like anything to drink?”
She asked. I shook my head.
“Where are the twins?”
I could not even bring myself up to rephrase my question to “where are MY babies” I couldn’t. She smiled.
“They are home. We had to hire a nanny to look after them. I have to go to work and Thoko has school to attend”
I nodded. So another woman was raising my children because I failed. Another woman was going to bond with my kids because I was a useless mother.
“Uyingelosi had fever, but we took her to the doctor, she is fine now”
She proudly announced.
“Do you think they miss me?”
Her smile faded away.
“They are still very young. All I know is that you have a special bond with them. You are their mother, and nobody can ever change that”
I fiddled with my fingers. I wanted Mommy to talk about my suicide attempt, but she wasn’t going anywhere close to that subject.
“Mommy, I just want to-“
Before I could finish my sentence, Daddy walked in, with Thoko and Trevor. They all looked very excited to see me awake. They greeted, hugging me briefly.
“How are you feeling?”
Daddy asked, placing a bouquet of flowers on my locker.
“I’m fine, and you?”
“I’m good. I am so happy to see you. Mandy, we love you”
He added, a tear escaped my eye.
“Don’t cry baby. We are here for you. We are family”
I wiped my tears with the back of my hand.
“Thank you all so much. I don’t know what would have happened to my kids if it wasn’t for you”
“Correction, you don’t have kids”
Daddy said. My heart nearly skipped out of my mouth. What?
“Those twins are ours. You are a child yourself, so no child of mine has a kid. Every child under my roof is my child. You are all my kids, including the twins.
Phew! I silently sighed.
“Don’t you guys have somewhere to be? Trevor and I would like to talk to Mandy, in private”
“Mandy still needs to rest”
“We promise not to stress her out”
“Okay, let’s go and have drinks”
“Actually, you can go home. We will take a little longer”
Mommy and Daddy looked at each other.
“Okay, fine. Just don’t say anything that would stress her out. Okay?”
Daddy warned. Thoko and Trevor both nodded. The parents said their goodbyes and left, promising to be back later.
“So, how are you sis?”
Thoko asked, sitting on the chair that Mommy was sitting on.
“I’m okay. Guys, why aren’t you saying anything about the fact that I committed suicide?”
They both laughed.
I asked again.
“You would not be here if you had committed suicide. It was just an attempt”
Same thing though.
“Yeah, but why aren’t you saying anything about it?”
“Dude, can we talk about something else? There is a lot to talk about”
“Yes, there is a lot to talk about”
“So, Mommy called and told us that you are awake, and guess what I did?”
Thoko sounded really excited.
She got up.
“Let me make a quick call, I will be right back”
She rushed out.
“What’s going on?”
“You will see. This will really lift your spirit up”
“Thank you guys. I don’t know what it is, but I can see the excitement in your eyes, and that makes me happy too”
Shortly, Thoko rushed in..
“Okay, close your eyes”
“Come on, close your eyes”
“Do I really have to?”
“Dude, come on”
I closed my eyes, laughing.
Ah, they were so sweet. I assumed they brought my babies to see me. They knew how much those souls meant to me.
“Open your eyes”
I opened my eyes. Bazukile was standing there, wearing a very warm smile, carrying a parcel in his hand. My heart sank, why? I didn’t want to see that man. He was the reason I was on that hospital bed. I maintained my smile.
“When Mommy called and told us that you were awake, I called Bazukile. I wanted to cheer you up”
“When she called me to tell me what had happened, my life was literally turned upside down. I could not imagine my life without you. It all felt like one big nightmare to me, and I refused to accept that you might be taken away from me”
“Oh, that’s so sweet”
“I took his number from your phone and called him. I called Phila too, and she came to visit you three times already”
She explained further. I nodded, still smiling.
“We know you guys don’t have enough time, so let us leave you two to talk”
Trevor suggested, pushing his sister to walk out.
“Thank you so much guys, you don’t know how much this means to me”
Bazukile thanked them as they walked out.
He pulled a chair and sat down.
“Baby, what have you done? Suicide Mandiphumle? Why would you want to take your life away?”
“Bazukile, I can’t cope with all of this. I can’t deal with what you guys are making me do”
He held both my hands.
“See, this is why I didn’t want you to leave my house. I knew you were not emotionally ready to face people. I wanted you to heal first. If anyone from the team finds out about this, your suicide wish will become a reality. You are now attracting attention and people will try and get you to talk about why you wanted to take your life. What are you going to say? Remember, you can never say a word about this to anyone. Mandy, you have really created problems for us, and it’s because of your stubbornness. I told you this was going to happen. I have one solution for this. I am taking you in”
I looked at him.
“Taking me in?”
“Yes. I am taking you in. I know your family is religious, so I will do the right thing and marry you. I don’t want you to be on bad terms with them, so I will ask your hand in marriage. I promise you, we will get through this together”