I felt like the walls of my world were collapsing on me. I was losing the man of my dreams, my prince charming, my knight in shining armor, my hero, my best friend. I was losing my soulmate, the man who owned every little beat my heart took. Crying wasn’t going to change anything, because I’ve cried and he still went on and dumped me. My pride was screaming “pack your bags and hit the road”, but my sense of reality was whispering “where will you go?”. I had to contain my emotions and put on a brave face. He was slipping through my fingers, and all I had to do was to just smile about it.. “Now if you’ll excuse me. I have to get ready for work” he said. I looked at him. “Oh yeah…” I got up.. “Uhm, I just want to thank you for your honesty. I mean, I really appreciate it” I said. He nodded. “I will move my stuff later, because I don’t want Zizo and Chukwudi to ask questions” I added. He nodded again.. Clearly, he didn’t want to say a word. I silently walked out..

I got to the kitchen and made myself something to eat. I didn’t even feel like eating, but the little bastard growing inside me forced me to eat. didn’t know what I was going to do without Alex. I felt like my life was on standstill. No matter how hard I tried not to cry, tears just kept flowing down my cheeks.. Zizo walked in.. I wiped my tears and continued with what I was doing. “Hey” she greeted. “Hi” I replied, wiping my tears with the back of my hand.. “Look, I just want to apologize for my behavior. My anger wasn’t directed to you, but to Chukwudi. I’m sorry you had to be affected by it” she apologized. If only she knew how much I didn’t care about what she was telling me. I couldn’t care less. “Apology accepted” I said, without even looking at her. “I really am sorry, Mandy. You’re going through so much as it is, the last thing you need in your life right now is unnecessary drama” she added. My God, if Zizo could leave me the hell alone, the world would be a better place. I nodded.. “Mandy, Chukwudi and I will always be here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone” she added. Even her voice made me want to puke. I took my food and went to the living room, leaving her there. She followed me.. “So, do you wish for a girl or a boy?” she asked.. “A girl. Men are trash and I don’t want to raise one of those” I replied. “No man, don’t say that. Men are not trash” she responded. I sat down, and she sat next to me.. “Well, I’m speaking from experience. Shoot me for being bitter” I said. She smiled.. “Don’t worry, you will be the best mom in the world..” she said.. Zizo was starting to irritate me.. I ate as fast as I could, while she was going on and on about whatever. When I was done eating, I got up and went to the kitchen .. I wished the earth could just swallow me up when I realized that she was following me..

“So tell me, how are things between you and Alex?” she asked. “We broke up” I replied.. “Oh my word, really? I thought Alex was just upset. I didn’t know things were that bad between the two of you” she said. “Its really not a big deal. Alex was honest enough, and that’s something I failed to do” I told her. The last thing I wanted was for her to know my weaknesses. “Yes, you have to stay positive at all times. Alex will come around” she said. “Yeah. Let me go and rest a bit. I’m tired” I said, walking out of the kitchen.. I went to my room, instead of Alex’s room. The plan was to stay as far away from him as possible.. I threw myself on the bed. Loneliness was feasting on me in ways I never imagined. I felt like I was going to lose my mind.. My phone rang, as I was trying to sleep.. It was a private number. I cleared my throat and picked up.. “Hello” I picked up. “Bitch, how are you doing?” the loud voice yelled. I laughed, Phila was something else.. “Phila hey.. I’m okay, and you?” I replied.. “I’m fine. Where are you?You sound like you’re in bed” she asked. “I’m at home.. Why?” I responded.. “Where is home now? I want to visit” she asked.. “Let me go and ask the others the address, you want to visit now?” I responded. “No, dummy. I want to visit tomorrow” she replied. “Okay, I’ll ask them and get back to you” I said. “Cool. We need to hook up hey. Catch up session is a must” she excitedly said. “I’ll get back to you after I’ve spoken to them” I replied. We talked for a few minutes, then hung up.. Zizo came to wake me up, while I was still trying to fall asleep.. “Mandy, dinner is ready” she said.. I opened my eyes and looked at her. “Come, dear. Dinner is served” she said. It was about two hours after I’ve eaten, but I was already hungry.. I got up and followed her to the dining room. Chukwudi was already there, samp and beans were on the menu. I pulled a chair and sat down..

“How are you feeling?” Chukwudi asked. I hated being the centre of attention. Like, I knew that I was going through some stuff, but couldn’t people talk about something else?.. “I’m okay, thanks” I replied.. “Mmhm.. I want to apologize for what Zizo did earlier. You weren’t supposed to be a part of that” he said. “She has already apologized, and we’re cool” I replied, eating my food.. “Good then. We don’t need any more tension in the house than we already have” he said. I nodded.. “I really didn’t mean to snap like that. I was wrong, and it will never happen again” Zizo added.. “I tried changing the subject, by talking about general stuff, like the weather, but they didn’t play along.. ” I’ve noticed that you were in the spare room, is that where you will be sleeping from now on?” Zizo asked. I swallowed. “Yes. I’ll move out of Alex’s room” I replied. “Oh man, this is bad. Hang in there, dear” she said. “So tell me, when are you going to tell the father of this child about this?” Chukwudi asked. “I won’t tell him” I replied.. “How are you going to raise a baby on your own?” he asked.. “Yeah, babe. You need that bastard to assist you. He can’t relax” Zizo added. Reality just hit me in the face, that Alex was probably going to move on and forget about me and the baby, and Chukwudi didn’t have to assist me. “Its not like he will welcome me with open arms. I’m back here because he denied ever sleeping with me, and his father took his side” I replied. “There is a baby involved now and that changes everything. They have to take responsibility” Chukwudi said. “How am I going to make them take responsibility?” I asked. “The law. You don’t have to see them, but they should deposit money into your account.” he replied. “Even that is not enough. No child is ever raised up by money. A child needs love and attention” Zizo added. I sighed. My life was getting more complicated. “They have to play their role. It takes two to make a baby, and you will not suffer alone in this” Chukwudi said. They were right, I knew that. What I didn’t know was how I was going to get the Nkomos to welcome my baby without making me feel like trash. In my attempt to change the subject again, I asked the house address and asked if it was okay to have a friend visiting me. They were okay with it, and they told me their house address..

Later, I went to take my clothes from Alex’s room. Memories of all the good times we had came flooding back. I felt like i was packing my happiness away. After packing, i closed the door and went to my old room. I changed into my pyjamas and got into bed.. My tummy wasn’t settled, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I kept barbing out loud, like my stomach was filled with gas. I got up and went to the bathroom. The lights were off all over the house, so I walked in the dark. I got to the bathroom and tried throwing up, but nothing came out. I sat on the floor, sticking my finger down my throat, but. nothing came out.. After a while, I got up and went back to bed..

“Mandiphumle! Mandiphumle!” someone woke me up. I opened my eyes and looked around. Alex was standing there, looking at me. I quickly rubbed my eyes.. “Mandy, can we talk?” he asked.. I sat up.. “Yes.. We can ” I replied. “Thank you” he sat on my bed.. “Look, Uhm.. I have drawn up a schedule for you, of things you should do a day. This included meals, and what you need to eat. If you read this, you will see that there are spaces for your clinic visits” he handed me that paper.. I looked at the paper and tried to read everything. He drew up how I had to live my life, until I gave birth. Computer classes were there, including my sessions with the psychiatrist. He was still prepared to keep my routine the way it was.. That was a sign that he still cared. The fact that he spent his time, drawing up my schedule just proved that he wasn’t over me. There was hope, but I didn’t want to push things. “Thank you” I said. “Pleasure. Please stick to this. I know you will have weird cravings and that is fine, just make sure that you stick to this diet and exercise plan” he said. I nodded, looking at the paper.. “Tomorrow, you should go for your first visit. Get tested for everything, so you can protect the baby” he added. “Thank you, Alex” I said, looking at him. He looked away. “No problem. You can go back to sleep” he got up. “Okay” I said as he walked out. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. The smell of Zizo’s perfume down the passage got my stomach upset, again. The damn pregnancy was turning me Into a sensitive freak. I hated how I reacted to everything around me. By the time I got to the bathroom, I was already throwing up.. I messed up on the floor and on top of the toilet seat. When I was done, I sat on the floor and cried. I felt like I was not in control of my life and emotions. There was a little rascal who was set out to destroy my life. I hated myself so much, but not nearly as much as I hated the little piece of trash that was growing inside me.. My reason for terminating was getting valid by the minute. Alex or no Alex, that baby had to get the hell out of my body